It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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