The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Randomize
