Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
