My friends, they love my intelligence
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
