Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
