I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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