chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
