I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Randomize
