I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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