Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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