he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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