he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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