Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
