shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
