The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I can't turn off my feet"
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
