and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
they're like a gay fantastic four
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
