Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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