take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
