I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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