so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
