You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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