I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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