Whod you bang
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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