in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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