Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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