my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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