He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
You just made me feel so damn special
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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