He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
