I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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