I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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