I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
