Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
There's always time for handjobs
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
