I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
