omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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