Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
