She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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