Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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