M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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