dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
