I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Randomize
