...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
