No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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