hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
