I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
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