I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
