Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
