naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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