you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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