Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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