If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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