I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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