I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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