I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
