I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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