I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
