we have officially lost it.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
