He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
