Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
