lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
