were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
