Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON