ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
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I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
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She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.