I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.