the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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