it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
