i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Randomize